5.             Do not offer suggestions to “distract” them, but rather listen to their distressing heartbreak. It’s important to get them to talk. It’s also important to listen to their tears – tears are haling. Disenfranchised grief can cause the pain to deepen and you want to be able to help them alleviate the initial shock. They will go through the stage of grief, so it’s very important to ensure they receive the 2 books I just mentioned.
 
6.            Connect them with a pet grief counselor. If they are drowning in vet bills offer to gift them the first session and as a pay-it-forward, and ask them to do the same when one of their friends’ pets dies . If you’re reading this, I’m happy to gift you the first session for a friend: you can go to www.PetBereavementCounseling.com and set it up for them.

The loss of a beloved pet can be the deepest heartbreak of our lives. With each article, we will address and answer a key topic with Certified Pet Grief Counselor, Pina De Rosa (APLB / AAVSB). 
If you wish to send in questions for Pina, please submit them to Pina De Rosa through www.PetBereavementCounseling.com
 
In our last topic on Pet Grief Counseling, we looked at the four different degrees of bonding with our pets, as well as what is different when an older pet owner is grief stricken, especially a single pet owner.
 
With this topic, we get to look at the impact of the complexity of euthanasia and how to cope with the guilt that is so common after euthanizing a pet. 
 
Guilt is so common after euthanizing a pet because it can be extremely difficult to separate the harrowing heartbreak from the honorable decision. Euthanasia involves intense conflicting emotions. Even when the pet owner understands that euthanasia is a much-needed decision and humane way to deal with their pet’s degenerating quality of life, it is often one of the most painful and guilt-ridden experiences that the owner will ever endure. That guilt they feel is their heartbreaking grief trying to come out somehow. While the pet owner often gets the concept that euthanasia frees their pet from terminal suffering, it is also one of the most distressing actions they will need to take. Eventually they learn to live with that choice as one of the most selfless, honorable and loving actions they could ever take. Unfortunately, pet owners are not always educated about it ahead of time. Although they understand that euthanasia is part of their responsibilities as a pet owner, it is often only a fleeting abstraction. The lesser they know about euthanasia ahead of time, the more guilt they are likely to feel when euthanizing their beloved companion. Hence some pet owners will often question if they acted too soon, even wishing that things had been done in different ways. And some pet owners will wonder if they waited too long, often regretting delaying acting sooner. That tormenting second guessing they feel is inevitable at first, which is why the bereft owner needs to be gently reminded that the decision was taken away from them by the incurable disease. A continued sense of that unmerited guilt will only worsen their tormenting confusion and distress. Ultimately this experience is part of that unspoken covenant that pet owners have with their beloved companions. 
 
Some people are very distraught after euthanizing their pets because they will question their judgment. Remorse will have them second guess if what was done was the right course of action, wondering if they acted too soon or if they waited too long.
 
Aside from 1-1 pet grief counseling, I would recommend these different kind of resources:
 
“The Loss of a Pet” by Dr Wallace Sife – amongst the numerous books I have read on the subject, this book is, hands down, the best reading resource guide. Truly a priceless supplemental help to the 1-1 counseling. By far! If your friend has lost a beloved pet, I strongly consider buying this for them. 
 
Pet grief support groups in your area - I would recommend these support group sessions as a way for the bereft pet ownerss to share their feeling as well as hear from others who are having similar painful experiences. This will help them feel not alone in their grief. The sharing of the heartwarming memories of their pet will also assist in their healing. That said, if they might not be able to drive to a group, but would still like the benefit of a community experience, I would recommend a dedicated Chat Room, such as the www.APLB.org Chat Rooms.
 
The www.APLB.org - I would recommend the Association of Pet Loss and Bereavement website to the bereaved pet parent for several reasons. The Pet Heaven web page and the In Memoriam web pages can offer a sense of comfort, even for those who may not believe in religion or afterlife. 
 
Lastly, if the client is distraught after euthanizing their pet due to bloody visual memories that may haunt them and cause them to experience a shock similar to PTSD, I would work with them on progressively attenuating that intensity. If those gory flashbacks persist even beyond the scope of our sessions together, I would then refer them to a licensed psychotherapist as supplemental help to the counseling.
 
After euthanizing a beloved pet most clients will feel emotionally wasted, and stunned, and their lives are in a turmoil. Aside from the guilt aspects which we have already addressed, above, I would counsel this euthanasia remorse through the compassionate reminder that the decision was no longer theirs. I would gently reassure them that it was keeping them out of pain was their responsibility and an act of love. I would emphasize that it was the terminal illness that actually killed their beloved companion. Nothing else. I would reassure them that it was a most courageous act, and their honorable duty to help end their suffering. I would acknowledge them for how generous they were in putting aside their own emotions for the sake of their beloved companion. I would let them know that while the emotional strain they feel is absolutely normal, it is important to cry and let it out because tears are healing. I would remind them that the only way out of that pain is to go through it. I would counsel them to gently start accepting the grief that comes with the terrible heartbreak of euthanasia. I may also recommend, if they haven’t already, to write two letters to and from their pet. I would counsel them with specific writing prompts so as to express those heartfelt thoughts and feelings on paper. Writing under specific writing prompts contributes to the healing as well as provides a sense of perspective. It would allow them to gently start looking for ways to create a meaningful perspective as a gateway to moving towards resolution and honoring their companion’s wonderful life. 
 
That said, there are special circumstances when it would be not good to euthanize a pet. It would not be good to euthanize a pet when it is a decision made out of convenience and when it is a decision that would be as easy for the owner as discarding a pair of old shoes. For example, some owners have no problem euthanizing healthy pets such as if a cat may scuff the any part of the house, or if the pup may dirty the house, or if a dog may bark excessively. Usually these are weakly bonded owners who would do it simply not to be inconvenienced. It would not be good, it would be in fact immoral, to euthanize a pet for such reasons. Euthanasia is a decision to be made out of mercy when a pet is terminally ill. That said, it would not be good to euthanize the pet if the pet has more good days than bad ones. It would also not be good if the pet is not suffering of a terminal disease. It is a judgment call that needs sacrifice and bravery – a decision that ultimately is up to the pet owner alone, without pressure from others’ opinions. Dr. Alice’s Villalobos’ Universal HHHHHMM scale will be very helpful in such circumstances, as it helps pet owners making this most challenging decision at the right time. Yet another bad reason to euthanize a pet is when there are times owners simply no longer want to be responsible for vet costs. That is not a good reason to euthanize a pet, especially if the animal is not in excruciating pain, is able to enjoy life and carry out normal body functions. Also, if the pet can experience a peaceful and painless death naturally at home, it would not be good to euthanize them. Ultimately, if the pet’s health, their disposition and their owner’s preferences are not being taken into consideration, it would not be good to euthanize a pet until the owner can find a veterinarian who will do the procedure the way they prefer it. The pet owner needs to remain informed, fully responsible and in charge, even during such emotional time.
 
And, there are a few reasons why “heroic measures” to save a terminally ill pet may not be advised. Those are practical reasons, ethical reasons and psychological reasons.
 
a.
Practical reasons - As overwhelming as it may feel, euthanasia maybe the only humane answer to handle a pet’s declining quality of life, such as when he turns violent and dangerous. Another practical reason might be the financial burden if that additional financial and emotional expense would only briefly prolong the pet’s life. It would be putting the pet through extra painful procedures or surgeries, without changing the outcome when there is no cure.
 
Ethical reasons - The majority of pet owners do not want to see their pet suffer any extended pain or added stresses. Because most pet owners are honor-bound, ethical reasons usually make more sense and are often more easily accepted. Pet owners can eventually see that the mercy of the euthanasia process affords their beloved animals the chance to die with dignity and peace. 
 
Psychological reasons – The pet owner’s selfish preoccupation with how they feel is something they need to have the fortitude to put aside for the sake of their beloved companion. Regardless of his/her own personal discomfort with the need for euthanasia, it would not be advised to delay the process. The owner has to muster the courage to choose euthanasia in the interest of their pet, and do so timely. This will likely thrust into a deep existential growth and ultimately, with the proper pet bereavement counseling, yielding a wiser version of who they were.
 
b.
Just keeping a pet alive is not enough because radical behavioral shifts can occur in the pet, which can be noticeably upsetting and even dangerous to themselves as well as the owner(s). What is happening to the pet’s quality of life at this time is the decline and deterioration of the brain cells, which can cause biting, hostility, loud vocalizations and even a shift in their neurochemical balance. Though we think medication can help, often times it negatively impacts the pet’s quality of life by diminishing their senses. This can be bad because it can cause new emotional trauma as well as behavioral problems making their condition only worse. They degenerate to becoming a shell of themselves. 
 
Our pets completely trust us with their lives, their safety and well-being even when they have an incurable disease. Because euthanasia is a most selfless and courageous action for the sake of our pet, because it had to be this way, guilt has no place (and no logic) in that most honorable decision. Ultimately, we may need to gently be reminded that it is the terminal disease that is taking away the decision, often making euthanasia the only merciful recourse to save our beloved companion from any pain they feel. It is the most loving act of mercy, and there should be no guilt for that.
 
That acceptance will ease their transition through the stages of grief allowing them to start their path towards healing and letting go of their pain, anguish and any unmerited guilt. As they start to heal, they can learn to live with their emotional wounds and focus their energies towards the heartwarming memories.

The loss of a beloved pet can be the deepest heartbreak of our lives. With each article, we will address and answer a key topic with Certified Pet Grief Counselor, Pina De Rosa (APLB / AAVSB). 
If you wish to send in questions for Pina, please submit them to Pina De Rosa through www.PetBereavementCounseling.com 
 
 
In our last topic on Pet Grief Counseling, we looked at how age-related development stages affects a child’s perceptions and reaction to the death of their pet.  We addressed how we can best support a bereft child based on his/her age range.
 
With this topic, we get to look at the differences between the four classes of pet owners: 1) weakly bonded 2) moderately bonded 3) intensely bonded and 4) profoundly bonded. As well as what is different when an older pet owner is grief stricken, especially a single older pet owner? 
 
The differences between the four classes of pet owners is the depth of level of attachment. The pet owners who are weakly bonded tolerate having an animal around. That animal is a mere responsibility and is only an “it” for them. The weakly bonded pet owners do not love the animal, they tolerate them. The animal is not considered a family member, it provides an impersonal function. The weakly bonded pet owners feed and keep the hygiene of the animal. They will also keep animals for animal fights and monetary bets. Some pet owners are quite heartless and relish in the suffering of the animals.
 
The pet owners who are moderately bonded, will sometimes express moderate affection for their animal. These pet owners still consider the pet an “it”. The animal is there for the owner’s entertainment and satisfaction. The possible grief and heartbreak felt upon the animal’s passing subsides quite quickly.
 
The pet owners who are profoundly bonded have a pure bond. The pet is loved as a family member, and becomes like a child in the family. There is a depth of unconditional love between this owner and the animal that feels safer than with most humans. It is a soul connection and one of the purest forms of unconditional love.
 
While not necessarily pathological, excessively bonded pet owners experience soulful level of unconditional love with their pets. They experience an even deeper purity of love than the profoundly bonded pet owners feel. For these pet owners, the animal is an extension of their purest self, which can often be felt in the presence of their pet, yet often impossible to describe. Words would be limiting to the experience. For those of us who are excessively bonded pet owners, our trusted pet is more than a witness; he or she is the deepest confidant of our souls. We can be fully ourselves, our truest selves around our animal friend: we do not need to be anything else. Our pet becomes the self-expression of our inner grace. They are the embodiment of the deepest innocence we feel. When our soul mate dies, it becomes a deeply distressing experience, with suicidal thoughts to be expected. Such emotional distress may or may not warrant assistance from a professional therapist. Both the profoundly bonded and the excessively bonded will benefit from bereavement counseling.
 
Overall the differences between the four classes of pet owners, are in the different roles the pets fulfill in their lives.
 
One example of the weakly bonded owner is when the animal is left out in the cold or in the heat to serve as an intruder alert; or using the animals in competitions where dogs fight each other. 
 
There is also a level of intensity that can characterize the depth of the human-pet bond, with deeply spiritual aspects engendering a very special responsibility and commitment. 
 
The intensity that can characterize the human-pet bond can be one of the hardest thing to put in to words. Words are actually limiting to the experience as we entrust them with the deepest side of us. Those of us who experience it for the first time did not know that it could be so deep, soul-filling and even overwhelming. The human-pet bond can feel like the purest form of unconditional love, and one of the most spiritual love experiences of our lives. We feel a sense of loving safety, connection and intimacy with our animal that is like no other bond. They become our soul mates, so much so that we can become emotionally dependent on them. The depth of the soul connection we feel is matched by the intensity of the emotional distress we experience when our pet dies. When that happens, it feels like our heart constricts in our chest, and it physically hurts to breathe. That is how emotionally intense, complex and personal the human-pet bond can be. When that bond physically breaks, the intensity of the pain feels unbearable. It feels insurmountable. In time we realize that spiritual connection is an unbreakable bond that will continue to enrich us for the rest of our lives. As that bond lives in us, and as their spirit lives through us, we get to discover even more about love. That is yet another wonderful gift we receive, even well after they are gone.
 
Supporting us in learning to handle change is one of the many gifts that characterize the intense human-pet bond. One of the things that changes with time is the special responsibility and commitment that the bond engenders. While they are alive we feel a deep sense of responsibility for them as they depend on us for their every physical need. We commit ourselves to them wholeheartedly, fully ensuring their well-being. As their feedback to us is complete love, innocence and devotion, over time our commitment deepens even more. We even become part of one another. This sense of commitment and responsibility we feel towards them often changes once they pass away. It changes in that it often deepens. Just as they helped us grow and change while they are alive, they leave us yet another gift after they die. Their gift is often a mission with a sense of responsibility. It is an even deeper responsibility that it behooves us to recognize and honor, because it not only honors their loving memory, but it also creates an amazing legacy.
 
With that in mind, it is important to know that older pet owners, especially single older pet owners, usually rely on – and love – their companion animals on an even deeper level. A level that requires a different type of grief counseling.
 
Single older pet owners rely on - and love - their companion animals differently as their pets provide a deeper sense of connection in an otherwise lonely existence. Life closes in on the single older pet owners who tend to have less and less of a social life. Within their solitary life, they become deeply emotionally bonded with their companion animal, sharing endless memories and solitude. Their animals also provide a sense of extra emotional security, safety and even extra sensory perception. They might bark if someone is at the door, when the older pet owner may have not heard anyone approaching. The extra safety is also due to living in a cocoon around the pet exposure to the world. 
 
When their pet dies, it feels even harder for the single older pet owner as that reminds them of their own mortality. This is one of the ways counseling them can be different than with other pet owners. The loss of their pet is also the loss of the deeply emotional attachment that made them feel safe in the world. While the older pet owner’s life is deteriorating, the animal’s love is often times their sole constance. Losing that constance can feel like completely loosing the their footing. That can be a most unsettling experience and, unlike other pet owners, they may not feel they have the strength to recover. It is a deeply profound grief. They can become so emotionally dependent on their love for their pet, and their lonely hearts rely on that very special bond so much, that they can feel completely unsafe in the world when their beloved animal dies. ​

​From Grief to Grace
Pet Bereavement Counseling 
With Pina De Rosa, APLB/AAVSB

The loss of a beloved pet can be the deepest heartbreak of our lives. With each article, we will address and answer a key topic with Certified Pet Grief Counselor, Pina De Rosa (APLB / AAVSB). 

If you wish to send in questions for Pina, please submit them below.
 
 
With this first topic we get to look at how do age-related developmental stages affect a child’s perceptions and reactions to the death of their pet?
 
Age-related development stages affect a child’s perception in several ways. The death of a pet is crucial in a child’s life and how it is handled is likely to create positive or negative memories that will mark them for the rest of their life.  The loss of a pet is often times the first time a child is faced with the concept of mortality. Honesty is paramount. Though parents often think it is best to shelter the children from such upsetting experience as grief, that is usually unadvisable. Children may grow up thinking it is wrong to grieve or cry. When children are old enough to form judgments, they understand if they are being excluded and kept out of something important. While they experience grief differently than adults, children need support in understanding their loss, in leaning how to mourn, and creating loving ways to celebrate their pet’s life. 
 
2-3 Year Olds: While young toddlers do not understand the concept of death, transparency is key. They should be told the pet died and is not coming back. Because children at this age may think it has to do with their (naughty) behavior, they need to be reassured they did not do anything to cause the pet’s death. It is perfectly ok for the adult to show grief and tears, in moderation. The child will model / understand it is ok to cry, and the healing power of tears. Though they do not quite understand the concept of death, they will accept it. 
 
4-6 Year Olds: Similar to the toddlers, these young children may not understand the concept of death, especially its permanence. They may think the pet is asleep somewhere else, and may even be continuing to eat and play somewhere else. It is good to talk with them regularly, so they can express their feelings and be reassured. They will likely need to be reassured it was not their naughty behavior nor anger that caused the pet to die. The grief may manifest itself in physical reactions such as disruption of their bladder or bowels, as well as a shift in the way they play, sleep or eat.
 
7-9 Year Olds: Children in this age group understand the permanence of death. They often ask innocent question that may appear somewhat morbid. They are not usually concerned about their own death, but they can become quite worried about their parents’ dying. Like the younger children, they also need to be reassured it was not their naughty behavior nor anger that caused the pet to die. Aside from the physical manifestations, their grief may reveal itself in reactions such as aggression, clinging, withdrawing, becoming anti-social, and having problems in school.
 
10-12 Year Olds: Children in this age group have the capacity to understand the inevitability of death for us all. They will likely cry a lot of tears and need caring loving support during this sorrowful time. They can understand that tears can be healing. It is ok to share feelings to a reasonable level. If the adult has a fear of death, they are likely to model it. If there have been prior losses in the family, the death of a pet may bring up those painful memories for the children. It is good to talk with them regularly, so they can express their concerns and be reassured. 
 
Adolescents: Children in this age group have the capacity to react as adults. Then the next day they may need to be reassured just like younger children do. Adolescence is a period marked by the exploration of their true feelings and learning how to express them. If there is conflict with a parent or if there is disapproval of their peers, it will make the mourning even more challenging for the adolescent. Their emotions will span from total lack of concern one day, to ultra-sensitive the next. To help them deal with the loss, it is essential to avoid friction and that they feel supported.
 
Young Adults: Losing a pet as a young adult can be particularly difficult. Young adults have the capacity to react as adults. Often they were especially close to that pet during their childhood and they frequently feel the added guilt of having left home to go to a new school, to start a new job, to get married etc… More often than not, that distance precludes them from saying goodbye, or being present with the family as they honor their pet’s life.
 
When it comes to coping with the death of a beloved pet, younger children are not so interested in adult detail or logic because some of that logic or detail might be lost on them. Conversations about death need to be tailored to their sensitivity and comprehension level. Often times they simply need to be reassured with simple and adequate answers that fit with their present level of curiosity and consciousness. 
 
Their perceptions are different from adults in that they grasp concepts more at their simplest face value. Children do not accept death the way adults do. They often take on guilt and hold themselves responsible for something bad happening to the people and the animals they love. It is not uncommon for them to feel that it is because of something they did, therefore their pet was punished with death. While adults may feel guilt also, the difference is that children do not have the ability to talk about their negative feelings - such as guilt and fear - and they are often unable to express them. Those repressed feelings can end up coming out in the form of nightmares during their sleep. 
 
Besides their parents, there are several people and caregivers in a child’s life who can help them cope with the loss of a beloved pet. People such as brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts, grandparents, daycare providers, their teachers, the librarian, and even their peers can all be a source of support as children are unable to cope by themselves. If the school teachers start to notice that their participation in class may drop, that the child starts to daydream, or they may even stop doing their homework - these are all indicative that the child is needing support in coping with the loss. It is not unusual for their sleep, their appetite and their mood to be negatively impacted. The following are some activities that the counselor could suggest to these other caretakers as a way to support the child through this shocking life experience. The librarian could suggest some specific books that address the loss of a pet, such as “Until We Meet Again” by Melissa Lyons. The teacher could schedule a special class to discuss their pets and their death, which helps the child’s ability to cope with such distressing loss. This is often is the children’s first experience with death. This can be a traumatic experience that will likely impact them for as long as they live. The peer’s presence can be helpful. And the better the adult is able to cope with their own emotional issues about that loss, the less traumatic the experience can be for the child who is still learning to deal with this type of pain.
 
A specific resource that I wholeheartedly recommend is Melissa Lyons’ children’s book “Until We Meet Again” is a very sweet, touching and helpful book. You can order it on several outlets, including on www.PetBereavementCounseling.com/Resources - When ordered through my site, a portion of the proceeds go to #MissionWellington and its www.TreatsForPups.com philanthropic legacy – bringing “doggie bags” of pet food, blankets and supplies to the homeless pets living out in the streets.